I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
