Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
from now on my penis is your penis
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
