I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Randomize
