he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
