i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Success! We fucked roommates!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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