I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
