I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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