Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
that is very illegal...i love you.
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