and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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