Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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