he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
