Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
