Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
