Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
