I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
