i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
