Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
