I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize