My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
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