i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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