I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
