Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
