Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize