It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
