as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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