if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
