SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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