you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
