were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
