So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize