I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
