im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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