What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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