I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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