If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I had to cum in my sink.
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