Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
