a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
