I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
