If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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