8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
