I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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