you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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