The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
