I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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