Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
