i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
