She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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