i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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