It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize