I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Congratulations! We have a period
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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