I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
