If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
