WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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