I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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