don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
