Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
