I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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