An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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