We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
