If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
